jennifer-in-real-time

I Dare Me To Post This . . .

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 01:10:28 +0100

After the Promise comes the process. One of the greatest of my foes is shame. And I am about to rip the band aid off of a source of shame in my life. I am confessing this shame to bring it into the light, for my benefit and your's. This is a subject that is most likely not unfamiliar to you. Here it goes . . .
I am overweight. There it is, the terrifying truth. I realize the world could see this without me pointing it out, but generally, I don't like to draw attention to this. The medical community would call me obese, morbidly obese . . . the devil calls me worse names, but those are more difficult to categorized. I come from parents who are obese, and I have been overweight my entire life. In 2005, I had Gastric Bypass Surgery. As a result, I lost 110 lbs. I thought I was free. In 2007 I got pregnant with my second child, on purpose. Another baby was one of the reasons for having the surgery, as getting pregnant with Amabelle took 3 years because of issues exacerbated by my obesity.     I controlled my weight for five months of my pregnancy with her, and in the end had only gained 25 lbs. total with her.    However, as I could eat more, I did. I had an amazing birth experience with Charlotte. I had a successful VBAC, without any pain medication. I am so thankful for that victory! Another reason I had gastric bypass was to make breastfeeding more successful. I had been diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, for me, most likely caused by Insulin resistance, which is really, pre-diabetes. With Amabelle, I had post partum depression, much of it surrounded feeding her. She was not gaining weight very quickly, and I had resolved that I wanted to breastfeed her without any other supplementation, but that was a battle my body could not win. After the huge weightloss, I thought it wouldn't be a problem at all, however, I encountered the same problem with feeding Charlotte. I would sit on the floor in my kitchen in the middle of the night and sob about it. I tried everything. My body could not feed my baby on its own. I thought that maybe I needed to eat more to make more milk for her, so I gave myself permission to eat whatever, whenever I wanted. Really, at least the majority of that permissiveness, was an excuse to medicate myself with food. Over the last five years, I have gained back 55 lbs. of what I had lost, feeling so much condemnation as the weight has come back on.    There was a time in my life when I could not set this obession with my weight aside for anything. It secretly ruled me. Now, I can compartmentalize it a little more, as it isn't immobilizing . . . but it is still there. An idol in my heart . . . I must hate it . . .I must be repulsed by it . . . I must be afraid of it . . . I must hide it . . . I must not let anyone know how it hurts me so much. The real terror comes when I have to go to the doctor. I feel the same way I did when in 6th grade, we had to do co-ed fitness tests. Or in Junior High when we would get weighed in front of one another. Humiliation. Despair.
It is my desire to be purged of this shame. Why is this mess unforgivable? All have fallen short of the Glory of God, yet this is unforgivable? This is unacceptable? Is it truly separate from me, who I am? If not, then there still lives a lie, a strong lie within me that says I AM UNACCEPTABLE. That is a lie . . . and yet it has a hold on me somehow. This is beyond me, I know. This is something I have kept away from the light.   I know that this coming freedom is my testimony, my witness to the good news and power of our Heavenly Father. I do not wish to withhold anything from Him. I do not know as of yet, what the next step is, and I sure appreciate the love and honor that those who find me precious have shown me. I bless you , in Jesus name as you bring to light the things you hide away. Please know that I will return favor of reminding you that you are indeed in our Father's favor. Praise Jesus . . . our generous and merciful King. Thank you, my dear friends,
Jennifer

About "Rachel" 08-10-10

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 23:24:11 +0100

I have this friend, she is amazing and beautiful, and she doesn't know it. I would imagine that most of us could easily say that about some wonderful friend in our lives. All she ever thought she wanted appears to be falling apart. It is such a rude awakening when you discover that even the things that are "supposed" to be ours, "supposed" to be off limits, "supposed" to be under our control, are not. When I see her, I think, "You deserve more than this." But really, if it came down to us getting what we deserve, well, that ain't pretty. So, I take a few more steps back to look at the "Kingdom" picture of this situation, and I am filled with hope and expectation for the Lord to reveal His glory through her and her "impossibles". And I know He will. She feels like Leah, but really she is Rachel in His eyes.

Lord, let me be there when You restore her. I thank you for the burden I carry for her, which is no burden at all, but is hope and joy and faith that You will glorify Yourself, and we are beneficiaries of your glory. You are creating and revealing treasure. Your works are beautiful.

I Am A Wooly Passenger . . .08-02-10

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 03:46:13 +0100

It has been a really long time since I have even attempted to write anything about my life. It’s hard to believe that August has arrived and my 7 year old will start school on the 30th. July was packed with weddings and traveling, and June . . . well, I can’t remember back that far. My family and I have struggled through the last 5 months with illness. We’ve had viruses mostly, though I do recall a couple of prescriptions for antibiotics floating around in there somewhere. My toddler was actually hospitalized for dehydration when she was struck with a stomach virus piggy backing a respiratory virus. Somewhere, oh . . . a few weeks into our long bout with sickness, we had a huge scare. For a good 30 minutes, my worst fear was rearing it’s head as we thought our first born had been abducted. Thankfully, it was a matter of poor communication, and she returned home . . . to two police cars, 3 officers, a very distraught daddy, a confused little sister, and a mommy that was trying hard to keep it together enough to give an accurate description of her missing daughter. The trauma and illness of this last season has left me quite tired. Mostly, I am physically and emotionally tired. Spiritually, even in my worst fear moment, God has made His presence known to me.

Sometimes I wonder if the Lord doesn’t inspire songs in me as preparation for what is coming. One song that I keep singing to myself is “The Heights and Depths”. “I have not left you in the valley, I am here. And though sometimes My voice gets quiet, don’t fear. There is purpose in My mysteries, and I want to show you the heights and depths that good can be”.

I have had many moments of concern as the path of my life continued to descend deeper into the valley, to places I had either not been to in a very long time, or had never been. Yet, the Lord gave me also a “picture”, for lack of a better word, that has brought me much comfort. I suppose it is worth trying to describe. There is a sheep (that would be me) on a narrow moving sidewalk (like in an airport) on a slight descent into a valley that runs between two “mountains”. There is a railing on both sides of the “moving sidewalk” that touch the side of the sheep. Behind the sheep is a shepherd (that would be Jesus) armed with his shepherd’s rod and staff. Some observations that are worth mentioning would be that the sidewalk moves forward on it’s own. I cannot make it go faster, slower, or stop. At different times when I recall this image, the surroundings are different, but often dark or shadowy, ominous for sure. And I, the sheep, look back at the Shepherd, and He motions with His rod and staff for me to look forward, and then hits the railings on each side of me, reminding me of their strength. I can neither jump off of this track, nor can anything touch me. When I ponder this vision, I feel out of control, and concerned about what might be in the darkness or shadows, while at the same time, I am grateful to not be the one who has to operate and maneuver this thing. I must simply ride it, rest on it. I also think about the One who is with me, and who has been here before. He is not worried. He is there because He is my protector and comforter, I belong to Him, and He will not lose me to anything.

Our circumstances do sometimes shift and change unexpectedly, or maybe sometimes the situations seem to go and on in different shades of gray. But we are all headed toward something. These trials and tests are worth it. He is showing us what it means to trust Him, to have His peace, and His rest . . . to eat the Living Bread and drink the Living Water. These aren’t things that we make happen. This is Christ, and we must only receive Him. We rely on His strength and guidance, His wisdom, and His deep, deep love, and the magnificent fact that He will be glorified and we will see His Glory.

Anchor 03-01-10

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 04:30:35 +0100

I am sitting here trying to process, trying to find and receive comfort. My brain hurts, as I am not filled with caffeine today. My heart cries quietly, "Where are you, God? I need to hear Your voice." Disappointment is a difficult emotion and sensation to feel. It's partners are doubt and fear. I quiet myself and listen . . . there is no new word to comfort me . . . no new promise . . . Could it be that when God is quiet, that we already hold the word or promise He has given us, the provision for our souls and spirits that we need?
I think sometimes that the Holy Spirit is working so deeply inside of us that our outside layers do not see it, unless we stop and rest. This working on our hearts while our outside circumstances are difficult to watch and experience is common. Our God is after our hearts . . . after all. "But Lord, I thought You would deliver me/us from this. I thought You would straighten all of this out for us. I thought I/she/he would be healed." For me, I thought God would somehow get us out of the financial mess we are in. I was hoping for something supernatural to happen here . . .but it looks as though God is after my heart . . . again. I most often think I know what my needs are, as I am fairly self aware . . . but God sees His purpose and how my life will best fit within it. I thought that being debt-free was how my family would be most able to serve the Lord and be a light, and have the freedom to live differently than the rest of the world. Yet the call to faithfully receive His faithfulness is deeper. His depth calls to my depth, and there we meet. So many things shift and rise and fall, so many details in the day, and days to come. And yet He is steady, and still, and unchanging, and from a very deep place calls to us to come down from the surface of a very big ocean and sit with Him, breath His air, hold onto His stillness and be comforted. With Love and Nutrients,
Jennifer.

Arrows 02-25-10

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 04:27:29 +0100

This morning I was hit with the temptation to allow a spirit of anxiety into my heart concerning Amabelle, my oldest daughter. She will be 7 in May. There have been some big changes at school, and they have been really hard for her, and therefore, hard on me. Someone once said that having children is like having your heart running around outside of your body. As I chose to come before the Lord with this burden, rather that choosing to carry it around and attempt to take care of it myself, He spoke to me. I know when it is Him, because He calls me Jennifer . . . that's another story. He said, "Jennifer, I really do love her." He spoke to my heart that He loves her, apart from me. That His love for her, is not conditional, or bound to His love for me. He does show His love for her through me, but that His love for her exists . . . without me. What a powerful truth for a mother to grasp and wield.
   I had this thought once while journaling about my children and the relationship between adults and children in the Body of Christ, that "When the "church" begins to see and treat children as their eternal brothers and sisters in CHRIST, a huge step will be taken for the welfare of children." That is true, but the Lord just spoke to my heart as I wrote that, and said, " A huge step will be taken in and OF the KINGDOM."
   The Lord told me that He placed His mark on Amabelle. I surely would love it for you all to remind me of that. Our children, and our illusion of control over them, their choices, their character, their faith . . .our control is an ILLUSION. It is a ploy of the enemy, the Father of Lies. Do we have influence? YES, Do we have power to bind and loose things in and around them, YES, in Jesus name. Can we control them? NO. Can we guide and bless and correct them? YES. I think one of the great lies that I have believed in parenting is that my children's salvation hangs on me somehow. It is a sneaky lie. Somehow, if I parent perfectly, my daughters will make all good choices. This is not true. For our Father in Heaven is PERFECT, and we make all kinds of wrong and bad choices. Perhaps the way we see and feel about our children, the way we perceive our children are seen by others, speaks about how we think or fear God sees them, which really speaks volumes about how we fear how God sees us.
   Perhaps, God would like to reveal something to you about how He really sees you. Take a moment to think on the last time you worried about your child, a time when they acted out, a time when the school called and asked for a "special meeting", the time when your child stood up in front of the entire church on Easter and said (after the pastor declared, "Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus' resurrection!" ) "Jesus? Who's Jesus?".
   So, did God create our love and care for our children to be an area of weakness, or a place of great strength? Do we see our children's struggles as problems or promises. Father, as You reveal our relationships with our offspring, as You intended them to be, encourage us and give us power to receive the blessing of the cutting off of binds and releasing of burdens that You did not make for us to carry. Guide us as we point to You in all of our personal situations that our children witness and experience, and all of their situations that we witness and experience. ". . . let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12 . . . something.
   I don't know if everybody on the e-mail list needed to hear this, but I need to be reminded of it, if no one else! I pray, Father, that You would begin to reveal the burdens we carry, often as mothers, and show us a new way, Your way of being a mother. Please anoint this process, and let it begin to transform us. Let us lay down our heavy burdens and come along side our children, who ARE our brothers and sisters, called and perfected by You alone. Let them see the freedom You give, that sets us free indeed. I pray for Your Spirit to come in and strengthen our mothering hearts. May we see these little ones truly as blessings and arrows in the Kingdom's arsenal. In Jesus' name. Thank you all so very much for your support and testimonies of God's faithfulness! With Love and Nutrients,
Jennifer Bluhm