I Dare Me To Post This . . .
September 19, 2010
After the Promise comes the process. One of the greatest of my foes is shame. And I am about to rip the band aid off of a source of shame in my life. I am confessing this shame to bring it into the light, for my benefit and your's. This is a subject that is most likely not unfamiliar to you. Here it goes . . .
I am overweight. There it is, the terrifying truth. I realize the world could see this without me pointing it out, but generally, I don't like to draw attention to this. The medical community would call me obese, morbidly obese . . . the devil calls me worse names, but those are more difficult to categorized. I come from parents who are obese, and I have been overweight my entire life. In 2005, I had Gastric Bypass Surgery. As a result, I lost 110 lbs. I thought I was free. In 2007 I got pregnant with my second child, on purpose. Another baby was one of the reasons for having the surgery, as getting pregnant with Amabelle took 3 years because of issues exacerbated by my obesity. I controlled my weight for five months of my pregnancy with her, and in the end had only gained 25 lbs. total with her. However, as I could eat more, I did. I had an amazing birth experience with Charlotte. I had a successful VBAC, without any pain medication. I am so thankful for that victory! Another reason I had gastric bypass was to make breastfeeding more successful. I had been diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, for me, most likely caused by Insulin resistance, which is really, pre-diabetes. With Amabelle, I had post partum depression, much of it surrounded feeding her. She was not gaining weight very quickly, and I had resolved that I wanted to breastfeed her without any other supplementation, but that was a battle my body could not win. After the huge weightloss, I thought it wouldn't be a problem at all, however, I encountered the same problem with feeding Charlotte. I would sit on the floor in my kitchen in the middle of the night and sob about it. I tried everything. My body could not feed my baby on its own. I thought that maybe I needed to eat more to make more milk for her, so I gave myself permission to eat whatever, whenever I wanted. Really, at least the majority of that permissiveness, was an excuse to medicate myself with food. Over the last five years, I have gained back 55 lbs. of what I had lost, feeling so much condemnation as the weight has come back on. There was a time in my life when I could not set this obession with my weight aside for anything. It secretly ruled me. Now, I can compartmentalize it a little more, as it isn't immobilizing . . . but it is still there. An idol in my heart . . . I must hate it . . .I must be repulsed by it . . . I must be afraid of it . . . I must hide it . . . I must not let anyone know how it hurts me so much. The real terror comes when I have to go to the doctor. I feel the same way I did when in 6th grade, we had to do co-ed fitness tests. Or in Junior High when we would get weighed in front of one another. Humiliation. Despair.
It is my desire to be purged of this shame. Why is this mess unforgivable? All have fallen short of the Glory of God, yet this is unforgivable? This is unacceptable? Is it truly separate from me, who I am? If not, then there still lives a lie, a strong lie within me that says I AM UNACCEPTABLE. That is a lie . . . and yet it has a hold on me somehow. This is beyond me, I know. This is something I have kept away from the light. I know that this coming freedom is my testimony, my witness to the good news and power of our Heavenly Father. I do not wish to withhold anything from Him. I do not know as of yet, what the next step is, and I sure appreciate the love and honor that those who find me precious have shown me. I bless you , in Jesus name as you bring to light the things you hide away. Please know that I will return favor of reminding you that you are indeed in our Father's favor. Praise Jesus . . . our generous and merciful King. Thank you, my dear friends,
Jennifer
I am overweight. There it is, the terrifying truth. I realize the world could see this without me pointing it out, but generally, I don't like to draw attention to this. The medical community would call me obese, morbidly obese . . . the devil calls me worse names, but those are more difficult to categorized. I come from parents who are obese, and I have been overweight my entire life. In 2005, I had Gastric Bypass Surgery. As a result, I lost 110 lbs. I thought I was free. In 2007 I got pregnant with my second child, on purpose. Another baby was one of the reasons for having the surgery, as getting pregnant with Amabelle took 3 years because of issues exacerbated by my obesity. I controlled my weight for five months of my pregnancy with her, and in the end had only gained 25 lbs. total with her. However, as I could eat more, I did. I had an amazing birth experience with Charlotte. I had a successful VBAC, without any pain medication. I am so thankful for that victory! Another reason I had gastric bypass was to make breastfeeding more successful. I had been diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, for me, most likely caused by Insulin resistance, which is really, pre-diabetes. With Amabelle, I had post partum depression, much of it surrounded feeding her. She was not gaining weight very quickly, and I had resolved that I wanted to breastfeed her without any other supplementation, but that was a battle my body could not win. After the huge weightloss, I thought it wouldn't be a problem at all, however, I encountered the same problem with feeding Charlotte. I would sit on the floor in my kitchen in the middle of the night and sob about it. I tried everything. My body could not feed my baby on its own. I thought that maybe I needed to eat more to make more milk for her, so I gave myself permission to eat whatever, whenever I wanted. Really, at least the majority of that permissiveness, was an excuse to medicate myself with food. Over the last five years, I have gained back 55 lbs. of what I had lost, feeling so much condemnation as the weight has come back on. There was a time in my life when I could not set this obession with my weight aside for anything. It secretly ruled me. Now, I can compartmentalize it a little more, as it isn't immobilizing . . . but it is still there. An idol in my heart . . . I must hate it . . .I must be repulsed by it . . . I must be afraid of it . . . I must hide it . . . I must not let anyone know how it hurts me so much. The real terror comes when I have to go to the doctor. I feel the same way I did when in 6th grade, we had to do co-ed fitness tests. Or in Junior High when we would get weighed in front of one another. Humiliation. Despair.
It is my desire to be purged of this shame. Why is this mess unforgivable? All have fallen short of the Glory of God, yet this is unforgivable? This is unacceptable? Is it truly separate from me, who I am? If not, then there still lives a lie, a strong lie within me that says I AM UNACCEPTABLE. That is a lie . . . and yet it has a hold on me somehow. This is beyond me, I know. This is something I have kept away from the light. I know that this coming freedom is my testimony, my witness to the good news and power of our Heavenly Father. I do not wish to withhold anything from Him. I do not know as of yet, what the next step is, and I sure appreciate the love and honor that those who find me precious have shown me. I bless you , in Jesus name as you bring to light the things you hide away. Please know that I will return favor of reminding you that you are indeed in our Father's favor. Praise Jesus . . . our generous and merciful King. Thank you, my dear friends,
Jennifer
Posted by Jennifer Bluhm.
